Running for the thrill of it.

Not too long ago I met someone who moved my heart in a certain way that I have never thought possible before. This person believed in so much that I personally found ridiculous at that moment. Everything this person told me sounded so unreal and pathetic at that time, until I realized maybe I just didn’t understand, yet. I guess I just had a phase where I’ve never been one for total commitments. I grew up believing that there’s always something better out there. I always thought that if it doesn’t make you happy anymore, it’s never too late to turn away from it and start fresh. I used to always think that if he hurts you, you deserve better. If he makes you cry, screw him and on to the next. I always believed that we always had options, and that it was a completely good thing.

I guess it was ridiculous ‘til things started to backfire at me. I realized that most of my life I’ve been giving up too much. I’ve been running away from things because I felt weak. I’d turn back and change my mind because I wasn’t sure anymore. I’d choose a different path because my heart wasn’t as in it as it used to be. And it went on that way for a really long time. Then I figured, maybe that’s the problem. I’ve never stuck it out completely with anything. I came to find that the more options you had the less satisfying things got. You’re always in things but never completely in them. After a million debates, I finally got to understand what this friend of mine meant all along and it opened my eyes in a lot of ways and changed the way I saw things completely.

After almost 20 years, I finally understood that you don’t turn away from things because it’s difficult; it just means you have to try harder. You don’t leave people just yet because they’ve hurt you, you have to compromise, talk it out, and actually listen (working on this one.) You’re not supposed to leave things just like that because you wake up one morning unsure of whether or not your heart is still there completely; you’re supposed to do something about it. I’ve learned that love isn’t as easy as abc you don’t just get it. Rather, it’s an endless learning experience. I learned that commitments are very important andthey’re decisions you choose to make and you have to live by no matter how hard things get. I came to find that you can’t keep saying “it’s not yet the right time” or “I’m not yet ready” when will you ever be? There is no such thing as the right time, only moments that you choose to make the most of. You can’t keep thinking that there’s something better for you out there because things aren’t the way you wish they were because you brought yourself to where you stand and there’s nothing more to do but to work it through. Lastly, I came to find that life doesn’t begin at 30 or after college or when you’re about to die. It began the very moment you came into this world and every moment you are given the chance to start living it. Take right now and start living.

Darling, wake up. You’re drowning in your fears. Open your eyes. Your story is just about to begin. Stand up. You’re worth more than what you think. Speak up. The world is waiting to hear you out. I see you’ve been hiding behind these walls, hiding from them all. I hear you’ve been praying beneath every breath, waiting for some sign that never seems to come. I feel you shivering at the sight of the current that’s coming your way. Wipe away your tears, little one, don’t be afraid of what’s to come. Don’t be afraid of being swept away; you’ll learn how to swim- that’s for sure. Get a grip, little one. You’ll make it through, this I know. Whenever you feel that you’ve lost yourself in the wave of events that may come at you, look back and remember how you’ve managed to get back on your feet once upon a time. Whenever you feel that you’ve become so small, look back and see how far you’ve made it after all. Whenever you feel as if your soul has been torn apart, dig deep within yourself and remember everything you were made to be. The world isn’t as cruel as it seems, dear. People just tend to disappoint us every now and then. But honey, when they do.. turn to you. Remind yourself of everything you are, everything you’ve been through, and everything you’re made of. Remind yourself of everything you’re worth and never settle for even a tiny bit less. My momma would always tell me “Baby, never settle for less than what you bargain for.” And now I tell you this..

Nobody can ever make you feel small unless you let them. Nobody can ever push you over unless you allow them to. Nobody can ever tell you what you are unless you agree on it, and nobody can ever treat you less than what you deserve unless you take it. Not everything that shines turns into Gold. Sometimes you just have to throw it back, walk away, and know that in the longer run, someone else believes that you’re not just worth the fight- you’re worth a battle.